I used to feel completely stuck in my personal growth. No matter how much effort I put in, nothing seemed to change. I’d read the books, followed the advice, and tried to push through, but it always felt like I was spinning my wheels, not getting anywhere.
I figured if I could just try harder or find the right strategy, then everything would finally fall into place. But the harder I tried, the more frustrated I became. It felt like real growth was always just out of reach. At one point, I started to believe that maybe the problem was a fundamental flaw baked into me—that something about me was broken beyond repair.
But what I didn’t realize back then was that being broken wasn’t problem. It was the language I was using internally, without even realizing it.
The Frustrations of Personal Development
Back then, I found myself constantly asking questions like, “Why me?” or “Why are they like this?” At the time, I didn’t really think of these questions as negative, but now I can see how much they were keeping me stuck. These questions were focused on things outside of myself—other people’s behavior, circumstances I couldn’t control, or situations that felt overwhelming. They gave me no answers, only frustration.
When I asked, “Why is this happening to me?” it was as if I was reinforcing my own helplessness. I didn’t realize it at the time, but those questions put me in a reactive state, always waiting for something or someone else to change before I could feel better. And when I asked, “Why are they like this?” I was focusing on other people, as if their behavior was the key to my own growth. It left me feeling powerless because I had no control over what anyone else did.
For a long time, I didn’t see this. I was too caught up in the frustration to notice the real problem. My brain, like everyone’s, was clinging to old patterns that felt familiar. It’s how we’re wired—our brains love safety, even if that safety is keeping us stuck. I thought I was asking important questions, but in reality, I was reinforcing the same old story: that I was powerless and that growth was out of my hands.
The Shift
Things didn’t start to shift for me because I suddenly realized I was asking the wrong questions. In fact, I didn’t see it at all in the beginning. What happened was that I started to get curious. I stopped focusing so much on what wasn’t working or what I didn’t want, and I started thinking more about what I did want.
It was subtle at first, but over time, that curiosity grew. Each time I asked a new question, I felt a little more empowered, a little more in control of my own journey. I found myself less interested in the frustrations of the moment and more interested in what I could change. It was a process of slowly reclaiming the power I had been giving away with every negative question I had ever asked myself.
Instead of asking, “Why is this happening to me?” I began to ask, “What do I want instead?” And instead of asking, “Why are they like this?”, I asked, “What can I do differently?”
Looking back, it was a shock to realize just how disempowering my old questions had been. I hadn’t thought of myself as a negative person—I certainly didn’t think I was toxic—but when I saw the kinds of questions I’d been asking, I was saw myself in a light I had never been able to see before. It as a humbling experience to finally understand how much I’d been holding myself back for so long without even realizing it.
Change the Questions: Change Everything
Because I wasn't initially aware of what I was doing, I didn’t have a clear strategy—I just knew I needed to shift the focus from what wasn’t working to what I wanted to create. I noticed that asking, “What’s within my control right now?” or “What’s the outcome I want?”, gave me a sense of possibility that wasn’t there before, so I strove to create more of those feelings.
The impact wasn’t just emotional—it was neurological. By asking different questions, I began to engage the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that handles decision-making and problem-solving. This took me out of the reactive state governed by the limbic system—the part of the brain responsible for emotional reactions. Instead of feeling stuck in an endless cycle of frustration, I was creating space to pause and make more thoughtful choices.
This wasn’t an instant transformation. It was slow, gradual, and sometimes messy. But over time, I began to feel more and more empowered. I wasn’t waiting for someone or something else to change—I was changing how I responded to the things around me. I was no longer asking, “Why is this happening to me?” Instead, I was asking, “What’s the next step I can take?”
Asking new, empowering questions didn’t just change my mindset—it began to change the way I approached everything. By focusing on what I wanted and what was in my control, I disrupted the old patterns that had kept me stuck. The more I practiced, the less reactive I became.
These questions helped me stop waiting for circumstances to improve. Instead, I started taking responsibility for my responses and my choices. It wasn’t about forcing a big transformation overnight. It was about making small shifts, day by day, and building momentum toward real growth.
Five Self-Coaching Questions
Here are five key questions that helped me shift my mindset and create lasting change:
What is my end game? This question helped me focus on the bigger picture, reminding me to align my actions with my long-term goals, not just my immediate reactions.
What’s the story I’m telling myself? I realized I was often stuck in narratives rooted in fear or past experiences. This question helped me challenge those stories and open up to new perspectives.
Is this hard or am I making it hard? We all hold onto beliefs that don’t serve us anymore. This question helped me evaluate whether my mindset was working for me or keeping me stuck.
What’s one small step I can take right now? When I felt overwhelmed, focusing on one small, manageable action helped me move forward without getting stuck in indecision.
What do I need in this moment? This question helped me check in with myself and recognize what I really needed—whether it was rest, reassurance, or simply a moment to breathe. It helped me stay grounded in the process.
Of course, I had many more questions than just these, depending on the moment or circumstance. But the more I practiced asking empowering questions, the more I noticed I was no longer reacting on autopilot. Instead, I was making intentional decisions that aligned with the person I wanted to be.
Each of the questions gave me the opportunity to pause, reflect, and choose a new response. Over time, these small shifts began to add up. I didn’t need to force massive change all at once—consistent, thoughtful action helped me grow in a way that felt steady and sustainable.
Growth wasn't about finding the perfect answer—it was about learning to ask the right questions.
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Shifting focus from what isn't working to what you want to create gives you the power to change your circumstances. It isn't an overnight transformation, but with every new question you ask yourself, you'll gain a little more clarity, a little more confidence, and a lot more control over your life.
The truth is, growth is not about "fixing" yourself—you were never broken. It’s about getting curious, choosing better questions, and slowly, intentionally, creating the kind of growth that feels right for you.
Sometimes, the only thing standing between you and the life you want is the question you haven’t asked yet.
An Invitation
If you’ve related to any part of my story—feeling stuck, frustrated, and unsure of how to move forward—then I’d like to invite you to explore what’s possible inside the Permission to Shift HUB. Shifting the questions I asked myself was a key part of my personal growth, but it wasn’t the whole journey. The HUB is where you can access tools like this, alongside many others, to support your unique path to growth.
The HUB is designed for people who are ready to break free from old patterns, whether that’s shifting your mindset, building emotional resilience, or developing the habits that will help you feel more in control of your life. The kinds of mindset shifts we’ve discussed here—like reframing disempowering questions—are just one part of the process. Inside the HUB, you’ll find resources and guidance to help you create these shifts in all areas of your life.
It’s not about striving for perfection or making drastic changes overnight. Instead, it’s about creating steady, intentional growth through small, manageable steps. You’ll be part of a community that supports you in asking the right questions, making better decisions, and learning how to trust yourself as you move forward.
If you’re ready to start making those shifts—not just in your mindset but in your entire approach to growth—then the Permission to Shift HUB is the place to start. It’s where you’ll find the support, tools, and community to help you make real, lasting change.
xo
Coach Anna Lang
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